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Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Well I'm back and fatter than ever. I've decided to give up dairy. As of today, its my ultimate weakness and that covers cheese, chocolate and ice cream which are my 3 main comfort foods. If i cut that out of my diet and dont even conciously restrict I'll lose weight but Im restricting sa well. Plus there are supposed to be a lot of health benefits to giving it up. Also, it seems like a more legit thing to give up than just say chocolate or ice cream - makes a good excuse to avoid those foods if offered. My mum and step dad are going away tomorrow for a week and a half so I'm house/rabbit sitting for them and my mum just got me a massive food shop of lovely healthy stuff yesterday so that should make it easier too. There's some cheese in the fridge so im jst gonna chuck it as soon as theyre gone to make life easier for myself while i get used to this.

Dunno what else to say really. Ive just kinda been watching films and revising. Pretty boring really.
Intake so far:
1/2 portion special k w soy milk.
1/2 cup rasberries

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

4 pounds down

ok well i did weigh myself in the end and i was 147 last week, I'm 142-143 today so thats 4 pounds lost this week and i havent even been being that good with my intakes. I'm seeing my housemate on friday, (not seen him for a couple of months due to the summer holidays) he was 14 st 1 at xmas and hes 12st 1 as of today. I'm so pleased for him. He's a stone and a half off his ideal weight (hes pretty short) which i reckon hes gonna hit by september so I really actually have to do something about this flab and make more of a concerted effort with my intakes.

Today so far:
B - sugar puffs
L - happy meal (550) [i know my mum dragged me for lunch but thats not terrible for a mcdonalds)

Thursday, 10 July 2008

eugh, ive not been on for ages - ive been really ill :(. I really dont want to weight myself cos i reckon ive gained about 7 pounds in the last week.

Ive really messed up but its time to fix that as of today.

I dont really have anything else to say - all ive been doing is lying in bed and finally watching heroes (so amazing!). But today I'm getting back on track.

Thursday, 03 July 2008

Am hungover as sin. On the plus side i didnt eat yesterday. At all. Was a slgiht mistake, I just managed to stop thinking about it, I think all the coke may have helped. Ugh. I really shouldnt have done that for a supposed quiet night out. Had a good time though.

However this morning i woke up in what i feel is the worst possible way - mortally hungover and worrying about exams. I need to start revising NOW. I dont think i can even be arsed to write anymore. Another plus though is that i really dont wanna eat
woop/ick

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

Had such a weird night out last night. I was just gonna go for a few bevvies with some of the girls i went to school with but then our entire year group seemed to end up in tiger tiger that night (possibly due to a rumor about hollyoaks cast members that had been circulated). Its not that it wasn't nice to see everyone again, i had a good night. But I haven't seen most of that lot since Chris's funeral.

(my ex-boyfriend - first love. Lost his 5 yr long battle with cancer last year)

We hadn't spoken for ages when he passed away because hes never really moved on from the relationship, it seemed like the most sensible thing to do at the time. So when he died I didn't miss him because there was no gap in my life for him, of course I was devastated when I found out, but I didn't have to go through the daily realisation that i assume his close friends and family did, the realisation that he was never going to be there any more. But last night he should have been there, all our old friends were there. I ended up having to leave early so i could come home and have a good drunken cry about him while looking at his bebo account. Last night was the first time that its hit home that I'll never see him again.

I wish more than anything that I'd gone to see him last summer. We had spoken a little via email and I knew he was getting worse. The reason I didn't was P (more recent ex boyfriend, second love of my life, possibly future husband). I knew he wouldn't be comfortable with it and I knew if it was his ex he'd never have done that if he'd thought it would have made me uncomfortable.
Its not that i blame P. I know its not his fault and we never actually spoke about it. I just can't stop beating myself up over it since P and I broke up bang on a month before chris died. I actually emailed him the night he passed away to say hi and see how he was doing.

I'm just feeling so sad about it all. He was so full of life - so passionate about everything he did, he was an amazing guy (a terrible boyfriend mind you). I really wish we could have been friends. The only way I could think of making some kind of peace with him at the time - my way of apologising for not staying in contact - was to invite the reason that we broke up to his funeral.

She didn't know what had happened and it was so hard telling her, i had to break the news to a lot of our friends as, understandably, his mum couldn't quite face it.

I know that there's no point dwelling on should haves and could haves now, but I'm just really feeling the loss at the moment.

It's partly this that makes me not want to let P go without a fight. I know I'll regret it if I don't. Maybe there isn't only one mr right for everyone, in fact there almost certainly isn't. But I want to know how it ends. If he doesn't feel the same anymore in Sept then I really will let it go. But I hope beyond everything that he doesn't say what i think he probably will say, (judging by the things hes said when we've spoken) which is along the lines of he still loves me but he doesn't think its 'sensible' to get back together because we're 'too young' and he doesn't want to 'hold me back'. Hes so bloody infuriating. I wish he wasn't always so concerned with doing the right thing. He really winds me up with it lol. I'd rather hear him tell me that he just didn't love me anymore. As nasty as it would be at least that would be a definite end to this ridiculous pining of mine. I'm also not to good at the whole waiting and being patient thing so i'm sure i will be having a couple more rants like this before september comes along so prepare yourselves to be bored girls.

I've realised that in the past couple of days i've completely forgotten about challenge points and any form of diet. I'm being a fat fuck atm but tomorrow is a new day. Im getting my hair done then i'm off to cinema so should be able to avoid food. I'm not gonna go for a drink after though so i don't A - eat and B - spend the evening sobbing on poor A as I seem to be in that mood where the tiniest drop of alcohol makes me bawl and stuff my face which is extremely antisocial amongst other things -no one likes to see the fat girl cry eh? :P

I also really need to pull my finger out and do some uni work - i think ive managed to pull off getting first attempts in all four of my re-sits (means i can get max marks instead of the normal 40/100 they give you for passing a resit). Which means i can pull my grade up to a 2.1 instead of a 2.2 i think. I might start doing this thing i used to do when i was younger where i plan my day by the hour - reminds me what i have to do and keeps me focussed a lot more.